Prioritizing Your Mental Health During the Holidays - Part 3 - Setting Healthy Boundaries
by Adam Nash
Every year around the holidays, I will notice myself walking into time with family thinking about “how I am going to manage my frustration as the day goes along?” However, in recent years I have started to understand that a lot of my frustration and anger could be mitigated if I simply set healthy boundaries around what I was and was not willing to do around the family. Often, for myself, I will not tell my family about the boundaries I want, and then start to get frustrated that they aren’t respecting the boundaries that I didn’t tell them.
What is a boundary
Before we can start setting boundaries, we have to first understand what a boundary is. Briefly,, a boundary is expressing what you are or are not willing to in any situation. This could include the amount of time you wish to spend with someone, what topics you are willing to discuss, what behaviors or activities you are going to take part in (i.e drinking, drugs, swearing, spending all day at the Mall of America, bungee jumping, etc.), how much money you’re comfortable spending, or who you are willing to interact with in a given situation.
Author Henry Cloud has a lot of great resources on boundaries. In his book, simply titled Boundaries, he lists several examples of boundaries—including skin (what physically differentiates you from another person), words (like saying “no” to things that make you uncomfortable or don’t help you grow as a person, truth (defines what’s reality and what’s not), geographical distance, time, emotional distance, other people, and consequences.
The way I often think about boundaries like a mutually agreed upon social contract. They are our communicated expectations in any relationship that allows us to know how to behave when we’re around each other. People often associate boundaries with restrictions or conflict, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Actually, establishing appropriate boundaries communicates that you value and respect yourself and that other person—that you want the relationship to be safe, comfortable, and mutually beneficial to both parties.
If you have ever played a board game, you know that games have clear rules and boundaries. Imagine you and I sat down to play Monopoly, but I started to operate based the rules of Risk and had my houses attack your top hat piece. The game would not go over smoothly. You would probably be really confused, frustrated, and wouldn’t have very much fun playing with me because we didn’t clearly establish the “rules of engagement.” But I want you to enjoy playing a board game with me; I want both of us to have a fun time. I’m going to show you respect by being clear about the rules so its fair for both of us.
This is the reason why rules and boundaries are so important in games, and relationships, because you all need to be playing by the same rules.
How to know your boundaries
The first step to setting healthy boundaries is to know your boundaries. Knowing your boundaries is very dependent on what you want out of time with family at the holidays, or any social situation for that matter, but there are a few easy ways to start to build out your boundaries. In the past, has that situation led to you being angry or frustrated and would you have felt better if you would have said “no”? Did you feel like you are being “forced” or “convinced” to do something that you would rather not? Is this something that you would say “no” to if it was a different situation or with different people? Do you feel an emotional or moral objection to what you’re being asked to do? This one comes up a lot for me around people that I find myself drinking more or having negative conversations that I would not typically have around other people. As you use these questions to start to explore your own boundaries you will begin to build out your “rules of engagement” around your family and friends.
If you’ve never thought about it this way, take some time to reflect on your personal opinions and how they formed, what kind of person do you want to be and is your behavior helping you reach that goal or pushing you further away from it?
Determine what you value when it comes to your time, body, words, etc.
Example: It’s important to me that I don’t tear others down with my words. I value speaking kindly to others in a way that is encouraging and up-lifting. I’m not ok with excluding people from the conversation, picking on others, or gossiping.
Example: It’s really important to me to budget my money well so I can reach my financial goals.
How to communicate boundaries
Setting boundaries when you have never set them before can feel very scary and daunting, and there may be some push-back. Because of this, we are going to build out a simple plan for communicating boundaries around the holidays that will allow you to lower the anxiety that comes along with saying “no” to things you have said “yes” to in the past. Before we get into the plan, I want you to encourage you that expressing boundaries can be really hard, but it is worth it to avoid situations that result in you wanting to tell your family or friends “I never want to speak with you again.” Additionally, as you set boundaries, it will both become easier to set more boundaries and (hopefully) people will begin to respect your boundaries more.
The second step to setting boundaries, once you know what boundaries you want to set, is to communicate them in a respectful and assertive way. You’re simply stating what you want out of the interaction—there’s no need for attacking or argumentative language. Our goal isn’t to convey an air of judgement over how someone else chooses to conduct themselves, you’re just stating how you’re going to conduct yourself. Be prepared for people to put up some resistance. The person you’re talking to may try to convince you to back down from your boundary (remember the concept of “homeostasis from Part 2?). You have the right to decide what you’re ok with when it comes to things like your time, body, and language—have confidence in that.
Keep your voice steady and at a normal volume, be mindful of your facial expressions and body language—we’re just expressing the rules of the game in a non-threatening way.
Example: “Hey _________, I’m working on being really intentional about what kind of language I use around others. I want to encourage and lift others up in my interactions with them. If the conversation takes a turn toward putting others down or talking negatively about someone behind their back, I’m going to remove myself from it.”
Example: “Hey family, I’m trying to be mindful of my finances this year. Please let me know if there are activities you’re planning that require a cost (i.e. a ticket, gift to pass, eating out, etc) so I can best plan for what activities I can afford to participate in with you.
How to follow through on your boundaries
Finally, stick to your boundaries. In addition to deciding what you want, also determine what you’re willing to give up if your boundaries aren’t respected. For instance, if you’re using the examples I mentioned earlier, be ready to actually walk away from the conversation. I know some of you are getting FOMO just thinking about it. But think of it this way, your behavior will reflect if your telling the truth about what you value. If you say you value positive conversations, but you stick around and continue to engage after the tone has gone sour, you’re communicating with your presence that you were lying about your priorities and that people can continue treating you or others however they want and you won’t do anything about it.
Example: Quietly exit the room. You don’t have to make a scene or even say anything. Go join another conversation, make a cup of coffee, offer to shovel the driveway, start a movie, take a walk—anything that takes you out of the situation you said you weren’t going to engage in and enables you to honor your values.
Example: If you know you can’t afford to buy a gift for the annual gift exchange, let people know ahead of time that you can’t participate, but encourage others who choose to to have fun and enjoy the experience.
I hope that this holiday season is healthy and setting boundaries, establishing healthy expectations, and building a de-stress plan allows you to have a wonderful time with friends and family!
Resources
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
