Red Flags in a Relationship

by Bridget Nash

I was asked recently “what are red flags to look out for in a relationship?” It can sometimes be difficult to spot warning signs, especially when you really want the relationship to succeed. We often make excuses for people’s behavior, trying to convince others or ourselves that everything’s fine (while the room is burning around us like the dog in that meme). So, if you’re wondering what to look for, I put together a few quick thoughts on relationship “red flags.” Here’s a rough litmus test for the health of your relationships:

Attitude

1)    Constant negativity. 

Now, I’m not the type to “throw the baby out with the bathwater” so to speak—we all have bad days and need to vent. That’s totally understandable! Unrelenting optimism is unrealistic. But when there is not a shred of positivity to be found, your relationship may be in trouble. Ask yourself a few questions after spending time with that person to reflect on their attitude:

·      How is my time with them spent? Am I incessantly trying to find a silver lining, convincing them that things aren’t so bad, or acting like a fool to coax out a smile?

·      Do I feel more energized after spending time with them, or do I feel like all my energy was zapped?

·      How am I viewing things around me? Can I see some good in myself, other people, school, my job? Or does it all feel like its shrouded in a fog of pessimism?

Actions

2)    Pushing you on your morals. 

I love cilantro but think that ketchup can take a hike. I’m sure someone out there has the completely opposite opinion (“you’re allowed to be wrong” as my husband would say). Not all of us are going to agree on everything—sometimes we need people to challenge us so we can critically consider why we’ve taken a certain stance, and that’s ok! What isn’t ok is a friend, family member, partner pressuring you to turn your back on your boundaries. Ask yourself a few questions after spending time with that person to observe their actions:

·      If you’re in school, is a friend is encouraging you to gossip about or bully a peer, or lie to a teacher, or steal from another student? 

·      Do they frequently influence you to disrespect authority figures in your life like parents, teachers, or mentors? 

·      Have you made it clear where you stand on topics like sex, drugs, and alcohol, yet they coerce you to put something in your body or do something with your body that you aren’t comfortable with?

Abuse

3)    Persistent maltreatment. 

Most of us are accustomed to a little razzing now and then, but when the occasional joke turns caustic, it may be time to give your relationship a serious vibe check. Again, I am not one for making blanket statements or labeling accidental injuries (emotional or physical) as “abuse.” It’s a dangerous game when we start throwing around words like “toxic,” “manipulative,” or “abusive” to describe aspects of a person’s behavior that rub us the wrong way. I’m also not talking about legitimate mistakes (for example, someone going in for a High-Five and accidently bopping you in the noggin). If you’ve tried talking to them about how you feel, and they refuse to change, there may be a major problem. Ask yourself a few questions after spending time with that person to evaluate if there is abuse:

·      Do you feel like you constantly have to impress them or win their approval?

·      Do you find yourself excessively apologizing for things you aren’t responsible for?

·      Is their version of past events so different from your recollection you feel like you have to take notes or record conversations to make sure you aren’t “losing your mind” or have amnesia?

·      Do they use deliberately unkind words like “stupid, worthless, ugly” to put you down? 

·      Do they use your feelings or secrets you’ve told them in confidence to blackmail you into doing things you wouldn’t chose to do?

·      Have they intentionally hurt you physically in a way that was repeated or obviously non-accidental (slapped, punched, shoved, kicked, bit, cut, etc.)?

·      Do they encourage you to harm yourself or someone else?

·      Have they forced you to watch pornographic content, perform a sexual act, or allow a sexual act to be performed on you that you did not want?

If after reading this, you realize there are some “red flags” in your relationship, assess the situation. If the person seems agreeable and willing to listen, it may only require a simple conversation for them to understand how their attitude or actions are impacting you. However, if the person refuses to hear your perspective or work toward a healthier relationship, it may be time to move on. If you believe there to be real abuse, ‘run don’t walk the other way!’

Here are some additional resources to help you spot abuse and reach out for help.

https://www.thehotline.org (national)

https://ncadv.org/get-help (national)

https://www.michigan.gov/mdhhs/0,5885,7-339-71548_7261---,00.html (Michigan)

https://www.womenslaw.org/find-help/mi (Michigan)

https://www.wrcnm.org/get-help/domestic-dating-abuse-services/ (northern Michigan)