Two Bodies Aren't Better than One
By Adam Nash MA LPC
“Two Dead Bodies aren’t better than one” -Unknown
At some point I heard the above quote mentioned when talking about search and rescue. I have never been able to figure out where the quote started or even where I first heard it. But I think there is some great wisdom in it. I don’t know how many times in my practice I have heard people talk about how they have to spend with certain people because they are ____ (Fill in the blank, Family, Close Friends, have always been there for me, Etc) only to find that every time they are around them the feel that their boundaries are run past and they go home frustrated. This is where I think the idea of two bodies applies. As we set boundaries it can begin to feel like we are allowing the other person to die, hopefully figuratively and not actually, and we think that we should go down with them. However, “Two dead bodies aren’t better than one” and we need to set healthy boundaries around our life and relationships.
Why Setting Boundaries Matter
“True intimacy is only built around the freedom to disagree.” -Henry Cloud (1)
I have noticed that often, at least in West Michigan where I live, people struggle to even know why setting boundaries is important. Not setting boundaries seems like it would be a benefit to you because people would want to spend more time with you because they know that you are going to be willing to spend time with them and you are never going to say “no”. But over time you start to notice that people only spend time with you when they want to get something out of you and you quickly notice a feeling of “being walked over” all the time. This is where setting boundaries is so incredibly important because it allows you to control the situation and to build intimacy within your relationship.
Setting Boundaries:
In his, aptly titled, book Boundaries (A very Christian perspective on boundaries, if that's not your thing there are other books out there but his thoughts are valuable for all) Henry Cloud talked about how important boundaries are and how to set healthy boundaries. He explains the “Ten Laws of Boundaries”. Lets take a little time to explore them, for more depth on these laws I recommend reading Boundaries (link below), as this is going to be a very quick explanation of the Laws.
Sowing and Reaping: By setting boundaries you allow yourself to get what you deserve and not allow others to take your glory.
Responsibility: “You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself”- Cloud.
Power: Setting boundaries allows you to have power over what you have power over and allows you to not take power over things that you shouldn’t have power over.
Respect: This one is pretty obvious but setting boundaries allows you to have respect for yourself and not be walked all over.
Motivation: Setting boundaries allows you to have the proper motivation for your actions. Choosing to lean into loving actions rather than acting out of fear.
Evaluation: As you set boundaries you will be in a healthier position to evaluate what is harmful to you and what people are doing that upsets you.
Proactivity: Setting boundaries allows you to be proactive in maintaining your mental and physical health rather than waiting for an offence to respond.
Envy: Boundaries allow you to focus on yourself and what you have rather than focusing on what other people have and the fact that you want it.
Activity: We are allowed, by setting boundaries, to be active in our own lives and to “workout” what is important to us and set boundaries around those things.
Exposure: Finally, by setting boundaries we are showing to the people around us what is most important to us and where they are allowed to go in our lives. (2)
Bring it all together
Setting boundaries takes a lot of work and will result in some hurt feelings as you begin to push people back to where they should have always been in your life. But it also brings with it the ability to be fully engaged in the things that are important to you and the people that you want to give energy to. The start of setting boundaries is going to feel very uncomfortable, however like any muscle as you use it it will become strong and feel more comfortable. I encourage you to start setting boundaries today. There will be trial and error but as you set them you will find a much healthier life.
