How Can I Help Someone Struggling with a Mental Health Issue When I’m Not?
by Bridget Nash
I’ve had a few people ask me “how do I support someone who is battling a mental illness when I have no idea what they’re going through?” The truth is, it can be a painful and awkward road to walk. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
· Mental illness can suck a person’s energy! Showing up(for work, school, a coffee date, etc.) might be the hardest thing they did all day. And don’t get me wrong—in no way am I saying that mental illness makes someone lazy. It takes so much mental strength and focus just to leave the house, they may not have the energy to be sociable. Understand that they are trying their best just to hold themselves together.
· Mental illness often leads people to shut others out. It might be like the point above—they just don’t have the energy to hold a conversation or answer a bunch of questions. It might also be that they are so consumed with their symptoms that appear to be off in their own world. Or they might be so afraid of judgment, rejection, or unsolicited advice that they choose to avoid it at all costs—even if it means strangling the relationship.
· Check in on your friend or family member who is struggling. Don’t be afraid to ask them how they’re doing. It helps to hear that they are supported and not forgotten. If possible, be willing to simply “be in it” with them. Don’t try to fix it or tell them what they ‘should be’ doing or feeling or thinking. Much of the time, a person with a mental illness knows what they need to do and beat themselves up over not having the strength to do it. Reassure them with your presence. Just be there.
· If your loved one is open to talking about their mental illness, listen! Allowing you into their emotional space can be extremely vulnerable and scary, so treat those moments with respect. Brené Brown, an expert on empathy, warns against “silver-lining” a person’s situation—telling them to look on the ‘bright side’ or comparing them to people who have it much worse. However, this only reinforces a person’s fear and makes them second guess opening up ever again. In times when you don’t know what to say, validate their feelings!
· Mental illness can make it difficult for people to get out of the house. Encourage them to engage in activities, but respect their right to decline your offer. Quiet, one-on-one or small group settings where they can leave when they are ready are generally preferred.
· Encourage your loved one to seek professional help. Reaching out to a counselor can be difficult, especially when the mental illness is seriously impacting their motivation. Maybe offer to drive them to their first appointment or meet them for coffee afterward to hear how it went. Accountability increases the likelihood of follow-through.
· Set healthy boundaries for yourself. It can be tricky to navigate, especially when the person battling a mental illness is very close to you. But ‘being there’ for someone can quickly turn into ‘being their reason to live’—and that’s a lot of pressure (misery loves company). It’s nearly impossible to guide them toward mental and emotional health if you aren’t looking after your own. Remember that if your friend or family member is interested, you can offer input or suggestions, but you are not responsible for their actions. You can have empathy and feel alongside someone without carrying their burdens. It may feel selfish to set up boundaries, but if you feel that supporting your friend or family member is doing more harm than good, it may be time to lay some parameters. In this way, you’re protecting your own wellbeing, modeling self-care, and prioritizing health.
Mental illness can be challenging for everyone involved, whether you are the one dealing with it first had or you feel like you’re helplessly watching someone else struggle. Know that you are not alone—there are resources and people out there ready to help!
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